Friday, June 09, 2006

Passion, Commitment, etc.

Sometimes I get a little depressed and frustrated, and it's almost invariably because I feel that I do not have a driving passion that creates something that is a concrete presence in my life. Perhaps that is a little vague.

If I took my craftiness and made marketable designs, I would feel they're a concrete effort. If I ever finished a painting (or a dozen), I would be happy with that, even if they never sold. If I could produce more than one comic 'zine. If the architecture profession still had the power to move me to make sacrifices. If I actually finished a manuscript or a short story. If, if, if.

What I do have going on is a manuscript that has been mutating for close to ten years, a job I could care less about that cost me a ton of debt (school), a whole slew of half-finished artwork, and propensity to cast on more than I can possibly knit. I have been pretty serious about the blog, yet... Well, I haven't spent much time on the formatting, etc., have I?

You can tell what kind of day I'm having, right?

I think this is about how I can't seem to make myself write on a consistent basis. Why can't I do this? My boyfriend/ partner/ whatnot is willing to bend over backwards for me to have the time. And I do have the time. But then I go and knit something or watch a DVD or some other evasive maneuver.

Part of me says this is because I am incapable of being committed to something for very long. My boyfriend/ partner/ whatnot has noted that I go in waves, getting obsessed with a project for weeks or months, and then suddenly lose interest. I ususally come back to it eventually, maybe a year later. Of course by then I can't remember exactly what I was thinking when I started it so I have to reconsider it all.

Another part of me says that if I truly felt passionate about something, if I really cared, it should be easy to stick with it. I suspect this is bullshit, but I can't be certain.


Jeanette said...

Could your lack of follow-through be less about a lack of passion and more about insecurity/self criticism & perfectionism? What I mean is, are you one of those people who, if you can't get it perfect, would rather not do the thing at all? If you are overly self-critical that could prompt you to stop work on something and move on in order to acheive the ellusive perfectionism elsewhere. Does this make any sense?

bitterknitter said...

Hope your day gets better. I think that it is normal for interests to go in waves, I'm not sure why, but I don't think it is from a lack of caring.

Kelly said...

All this all sounds so familiar. I really think there it is just that time. It seems all my friends, myself included are feeling very similar. Try not to be to critical, if it is any consolation I enjoy reading your blog.

Carrie K said...

Throw off the shackles of the Puritans and don't fret Not Being Productive. We really have a pervasive culture that says if you're not achieving, you're nothing. Why is that? What exactly are they achieving? Busywork.

Some things you can't force into being. They have to become.

Lissy said...

Hon, I'm a major "waver" myself, and I refuse to get down on myself about it because, as long as I'm happy doing what I'm doing it when I'm doing it, then that's the important thing. On the other hand, my job has continued to interest me and engage me. Could be that what you're doing in your spare time is more gratifying and perhaps you should concentrate on that more and your job less! Not everyone has a career that fulfills them, but rather they have a job that pays the bills and their life outside of work is where the real living takes place. That is often the way with artists, particularly since patronage went out of fashion during Michaelangelo's day, I believe. Maybe once you give yourself the permission to live your life outside the eight hours you have to put in each day at your job, you'll feel more committed to it. Or perhaps (and this is more likely), I don't know WTF I'm talking about! ;) P.S. I hear Gary saw you and J & E out on your "virgin run." That was quite exciting news! Can't wait to read your entry on that one.